Monday, August 10, 2009

对不起... 真的对不起....

Just finish reading geok's blog. And i dono why i felt emo suddenly. Real sudden. It just struck my head and made me feel so down... Everything that geok had mentioned, those memories just keep playing and playing in my mind... Non-stop. Deep down in my heart, i really really find what geok say is always meaningful and sensible. And geok is always able to express what i really wanted to express out using simple words that can just explain everything.

I thought of her again... All my sistars and friends know that... They seldom mention and will always try to avoid mentioning her name.. Even some tv drama show got her name and automatically i'll just switch to another channel.. Or even products or someone saying its just a auspicious word, i cant take it. I will either just avoid it or i will just never purchase that product.. I dont even wish to hear or see it.. I'm just lying to myself and running away from it. That period was the most period of time that i was living at the very very bottom of my life.. very very down.. Sistars and friends all have done alot in helping me to get together. Like Sandy got me those HSM3 stuffs.. Wens, Geok and Cat really spent quite alot in getting alot of stuffs that i like just to cheer me up.. They just simply do all sort of things, asking me out to dinner and lunch just to cheer me up and stop me from thinking.. I really wish to thanks them alot alot. Because without them, i dont think i can stand up again so soon.. Even though, sometimes "emo" will just knock at my door again..

Now, listening to this blogsong of mine, I cried and cried.. And i cannot stop crying... Dont know what's wrong with me... I just felt like crying all the emotionals out. Getting them all out of my freaking broken heart. 31st Oct 2008, the day when we both said hurtful words to each other.. What you have said.. And what i have said.. Without using my brain when i said those words. I just blurt them out like freaking no need money.. That day... In Cat's room... The last words i said is 对不起.. We shaked hands.. And the both of us just keep crying.. That point of time, i really felt thousands of knife stabbing me hard.. Stabbing very very hard at my heart, making it to bleed non stop. When i called geok, i cried out loud.. I cant even breathe properly when i talk to her.. So much pain.. So much tears.. Why? Why did it turn out like this? Issit because of me making the decision? Or even if i did not said that... Will this still be the ending of us? Will you still leave us if i kept quiet.. I dont know.. and this answer only you know.. Did i make the wrong decision? Should i have just kept quiet that time. And maybe everything will be different now.. Can you tell me? Can you answer me? These questions are haunting me.. Really.. Like nightmares that will never end. Its like spreading salt over my wounds, making me hurt and groaning in pain.. There's nothing i can do.. All i can do is to wait... Wait for the wounds to heal.. Wait for the wounds not to pain anymore.. 我不是一定要你回來，只是當又把回憶翻開... 我的泪不停地流.. There is just so much i wanna say...


Ruyi, 我不知道为什么.但我现在真的很想对你说对不起. 真的对不起. 如果...如果那一天我没有说那些话或做那些蠢事的话,我们现在可能还是像以前一样...至少不会弄成像现在这么僵的局面.对不起... If i can accept your change.. If i can accept you like how i accept minyee... Then maybe all these wont happen.. I dont know why that moment of time i cannot accept.. Maybe i cannot face and believe you will changed.. I'm just too stunned.. 真的对不起....I dont know how you will think now.. Or what you thinking now.. Maybe you may think i'm just being fake after all this happen.. But i just wanna let you know how i really feels now. 25th of July 2009, When i received your birthday wish msg, i'm really happy. Very happy and touched that at least you still remembered. And I took up the courage to reply your msg and even invited you to come to my birthday party. That msg really took me a lot of courage.. Really... After msging you, i even told Cat they all what crazy thing i've done. I never imagine myself will invite you.. I really think i'm going crazy.. But.. In the end.. You didnt turn up.. I am disappointed.. Real disappointed. Because i was thinking that this may be a chance that we can start everything once again. From strangers to friends to sistars and to where we were once. Like what you've said 283 days ago.. But, it didnt happen. No matter what reasons.. Fate just doesnt allow that to happen isn't it? Even when Cat tries her ways trying to meet you but fate really just seems to be playing us out.. There's always no chances to meet.. I know and i understand its been so long.. You might also not have the courage to face us again. Cause just what are you going to say when you see us? What are you going to do if none of us care about your existance? 如果换作是我,我想我也没有这个勇气去面对. So i can totally understand how you may feel. Just that its really a pity.. A pity that a chance like that doesnt happen and i totally got no idea when is the next time the chance will comes by.. Actually... after all this while, you might have already moved on and doesnt need us anymore. Because you have been doing well and living great... And seriously i dont think you are in need of friends too.. Maybe a few lesser wont bother you either. There are just too many other things that are way more important than us already... We are just like the 2 tracks that will never meet. No matter how... It just meant to go seperate ways... But I felt happy for you too. Really happy.. 因为没有你的消息就是好消息不是吗? That means you have been leading good life on your own and with him. Cause from the bottom of my heart, i'm wishing you good. Real good. Hoping that you are very fine with him.. Hoping that those experiences i've heard or experienced will never never happen to you.. Hoping that you get what you wanted and what you wished.. But always remember... Like what geok had said.. Should there be one time, when you really need us back.. Or anyone bullied you... Pls tell us. Say it. Cause we are hoping for your return somehow too. And i truly believe one more chance can be given to everybody and of course that definitely includes you too. Someone asked me.. If Ruyi faces problem now, will i help her? I didnt hesitate and replied: Yes! 我真的真的好想你.真的真的好怀念以前那些时光... When all those unhappiness doesnt exist... When everything never happens.. When we treat each other better than how we treat ourselves.. When we are only secondary school girls.. When we were once so close... But... We all know... 那已不可能. 我只能接受失去的遺憾.

Another 82 more days... And you have left us for 1 year.. Which is 365 days; 8760 hours; 525600mins; 31536000seconds.... I dont know whether the calculations are correct anot, i just knew that a long time had past.. Very very long.. and another 82 days just seem that it can past so fast.. I've not seen you till now. For 283 days... I have not seen you already.. Never thought that i can never seen you for so long.. Even the least chance of me bumping into you in coincidence is zero. Is that good? Or is that bad? i dont know. Till now, whenever i thought of you or what had happens, it still hurts.. It still hurts me deeply.. The wound just dont seem to heal together with the time past... Why? I've always well known for being strong... Is this a test to me? A test to see how strong i can get? Or a test to see how long it took for me to break down? I despise myself. I am such a useless bitch! A real big fat bitch. Because nothing changed.. NOTHING! I'm breaking down soon.. Real soon.. The moment when i felt my life is so boring. Just nothing entertained me.. Nothing.. I find no joy in everything recently.. How? Anyone teach me what to do? Please... I really hope someone can save me now.. Maybe some of you will think Oh.. there goes Sam again. Acting emo and talking cock.. Lols. Seriously, i got no feeling at all. I just wish that i can vent out all my thoughts to those who are listening.. At least to those who are really concern about me.. Cause i know they can, they know and they will understand how i feel.. My private blog.. My public blog.. I got the sudden urge to close down everything.. Just feel like erasing them and getting them out of my world... Disappearing... I'm going MIA-ing. 我想一个人静一静...一个人...











 Posted by S.사망타 @2:07 AM | back to top